Tips To Cope With Difficult Emotions

What if I told you the worst days of my life gave me the best lessons of my life?

What if I told you the worst days of my life led to the happiest ones of today?

The powerful sound of a hymn such as “All Things Bright and Beautiful”  at a funeral service this week brought me right back to trying moments and days. As an only child and in a matter of weeks, I lost my Dad, then my Mom and I found myself a daughter without a parent, planning funerals.

This week I have a few funerals.

One of the effects of grief is intense sadness which is a progression in life we all must go through. So, as with all challenges in life, I ask myself how and what I can learn.

I am reliving some of the most powerful emotions I have ever experienced. By remembering these times, I am focusing on a few simple tips which can guide and lead people through some difficult times that may lie ahead. My hope is that they appreciate what I teach myself and how I choose to cope and use life to learn and apply to future circumstances. After all, emotions like rage, shock and fright, confusion, anxiety, loneliness, and intense sorrow are frequently the result of some very unpleasant life circumstances we must learn to deal with.

Tips to Keep Grief Manageable:

1. Accept and be aware of your emotions. Be mindful of how they make you feel physically and mentally; is it a tummy ache, a head ache, loss of appetite, lack of energy. Let it be. When you have given them enough attention get up and have some tea, go for a walk or put on your headphones and listen to some music. Actively decide to change your thought but at the same time, give the loss attention in order to allow us to be more grateful for what we do have.
2. Give the emotion a name. Words are funny little things; how we choose to use them is fascinating. Instead of saying “I am sad” name the emotion by saying “this is sadness”. Instead of “I am angry” identify it as “this is anger”. Don’t make it personal, instead detach yourself from the feeling. This is very empowering and will let you stay present and work with less frustration. Use sticky notes as reminders to alter the choices of your words.
3. Use the emotion. Let the emotion bring you something…. Perhaps release. When it arrives use it to your benefit, let it teach you. Notice how that nasty feeling has returned yet again but this time it is more familiar, perhaps a little less scary, less shocking. This is an improvement towards more positive thoughts.
4. “This to shall pass”. Remember this quote. The mindful course I signed up for after my Mom died made a simple visual reference that I now refer to all the time: Like a cloud in the sky or a leaf in a stream, emotions come and go………and come back……..and come….. and go. Now I have learned to understand how I feel as being temporary, sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days. It will come and it will go. It may hurt and I may cry my heart out but that is OK. I know it will pass.
5. Recognize the why.  Question and explore the events surrounding what made you feel this way at that moment.  You will see specifically what has triggered your emotion and in doing so get some insight to your own behavior. Decide what to do with that “why”. What are you learning about yourself?
6. Keep a journal. It can clear your mind, de-stress, and even improve your memory. Get specific; What happened? What has helped you cope? Write down self affirmations by telling yourself “I am OK”,” I am doing the best that I can”. These phrases can actually calm you down and allow you to accept what is going on by learning to control your thoughts. You may discover valuable patterns or activities that need to be avoided.
7. Give up control. Be open and don’t fight what is happening to you or what you are experiencing. Let it be. Be patient. Don’t expect. Don’t judge. Allow yourself to have new outlooks, ones with self compassion, authenticity, kindness and love. Grief has its own timeline and it cannot be hurried. It is a process so please allow it to be.
8. Keep it simple: surround yourself with good friends and family. Talk to them and ask them for their help and support; ask them for more shepards pie and lasagna!

“We do not have direct control over the emotions that we experience. What we do have is indirect control over our emotions… by choosing to engage in certain thoughts and behaviors, we are able to indirectly influence our emotional states” Tartakovsky, M. (2012)

I indirectly have now learned to accept the uncertainty in life and work with it.

I am open to change and embrace it as a gift and part of my growth.

I can be more assured and braver on my path and have successes by staying away from apprehension, uncertainty and fear.

The Minister this week read these next lines that resonate with me and remind me that I can choose and decide how to come to terms with and make sense of events that happen in my life. Death is very hard to accept and these words help me change my thoughts and make more positives.

“In times of sadness, there is room for laughter, in times of darkness, there will always be light.

In the middle of life we face death, and we recognize many things. We recognize that all human life is fragile and precious. We learn that tragedy cannot be avoided and we are not always in control.  In fact, we see that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, a life-energy, a love-energy.  We recognize that our life and our death can have meaning, and we are assured that a life’s worth is measured in depth, not length, and we can encounter death and still say life is good.” Cathy Gibb

Make a pact with yourself today and be prepared!  When we expect certain things and are a little more ready for events in our life, we can learn to react rather than respond and exert control in our emotional day to day life and overpower the tests that may lay ahead.Be kind to yourself, love yourself and enjoy the soothing effects of your new learned thoughts and actions.