Tips For a Happier Cemetery Visit

Last night was the first time in a while I felt quiet and philosophical about my parents being dead.

I sat and listened to the conversation around the dinner table as my friends spoke about the going-ons of their parents; how old, healthy or unhealthy they are; the sports and travel they are enjoying; how much they thoroughly adore being grandparents and so on and so forth. It was beautiful, but……

I sat there drifting into my own thoughts and realized I hadn’t visited my parents grave for a while. I should go soon as it has become a good place and a good way for me handle the sadness and reality about sometimes being the only one around who doesn’t have a parent.

I know it happens to so many of you as well, whether it be a parent, husband or wife, child, sibling or friend; something transpires that triggers a deep, heart wrenching sense of intense sorrow that leads to various emotions, thoughts and feelings.

So, I woke up today and decided to visit my parents grave, a place that has become a quiet backdrop for reflections of my life.

I remember how the first few visits were just so shocking, awful and painful. I felt sick that I was seeing both my parents, buried under the ground I stood at such a young age; the ones who knew me, their only child, like no others on this planet.

Then, somehow, one day after pushing through the uncomfortable visits for a few months, I went and started to find great comfort in the familiar chores, chats and rituals I now associate with these visits. I almost find a slight cosiness in the visits and have learned to use them as a kind of mindful meditation. Standing in front of their granite memorial quickly focuses my mind on lessons in my life.

Yes, a cemetery is harsh reminder of a huge loss. I have read many times that in order to move forward with something we often need some sort of closure. One day I decided to take steps towards purposefully leaving the sad memories behind and moving forward with the happy ones. I chose to make my mom and dad a part of my life, continue to have them live inside me and feel the love they gave me that I still have and will have with me forever.

Here are my tips to make a cemetery happier visit

• Pay your respects and remember all that they did for you
• Look around at the green space, trees and flowers and take some deep breaths
• Listen to the sounds of the birds and try to find them
• Have a good cry and be aware of how you feel; let it be
• Say a few words to your loved ones and tell them what you are up to
• Clean the monument and tidy the space around it
• Plant some flowers, place some mini garden decor or leave a candle or light
• Walk aimlessly and see how others are memorialized
• Read the inscriptions, enjoy etchings and engravings of other memorials to maybe even find a story, google some names and dates (my son and I do this)
• Create peace at the cemetery by bringing a favorite poem or quote to read
• Sit and crack open some bubbly if it is a special day and be joyful
• Reflect on your life
• As you leave, focus on the silent audience you have in front of you to remind yourself that your choices matter

I don’t have brothers or sisters to bring with me when I go, but through these past years I have brought my 3 kids and some close friends. We reminisce and talk about my mom and dad. My kids ask a ton of questions and I find myself smiling, sometimes even laughing.

The sad tears have now turned into happier tears as I choose to change my thoughts. My life has meaning and purpose and I’m aware it will end one day and a cemetery sure does remind me of this. At the same time, it makes me ask questions about my future and look at the road ahead with positive precision and motivation.  My friends now realize a cemetery is not necessarily such a sad, scary or morbid place but instead a place of great peace, beauty and reflection; a place to learn and challenge ourselves.

Fascinating isn’t it?

Cemeteries are for remembering and caring, paying our respects and giving thanks to the ones who helped create us and the life we now live.