Grief: When It Hits Home The First Time

I think about grief a lot in October; kinds of grief, grief philosophy, personal reflections, individual expressions for handling grief, real-world notions for dealing with grief, and blah, blah, blah.

Then I stop and I just let myself feel.

I certainly am no expert on the subject but I do wish someone had told me what it was going to be like to experience death so close to home for the first time.  Not the psychologist kind of paraphernalia, just the real shit people don’t talk about.

When I think back to the very moment I heard the news that my Dad had 3 brain tumors and had months to live, I was in denial, naturally.

The heartache is like a massive waterfall of precious memories with feelings of incomplete, unexpressed emotions. The cloud that sends you spiraling into this new world, surrounded me in a thick fog. This was my first immediate response.

My New Reality

I hear from so many people who have lost loved ones how the shock and horror is not to be explained, unless you have experienced it to a degree.

At first, I was stunned and refused to believe the news, almost paralyzed. After some time, I became so angry and desperate to hear about the possible cures (or lack there of in his particular case) and then I finally accepted it and got incredibly depressed and scared. I didn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I had a 6-month-old at home and was pregnant with twins! It was a total nightmare.

Listing Points In My Journal

I believe if you expect certain feelings and thoughts in any situation, it helps you prepare and be more able to better respond rather than hastily react to the best of your ability. I hope this list can help someone deal with grief:

• One day at a time, don’t think about tomorrow
• You will never be prepared for that first loss (or any for that matter)
• You can try and plan but death has its own timeline and agenda so be flexible
• Talk to your friends and loved ones when YOU are ready
• Be prepared for awkwardness amongst your supporters
• People will say the wrong thing sometimes; don’t judge
• Ask people who have been through similar experiences how they managed
• Its OK to throw out the Shepard’s pie they keep bring you 😊
• Be vulnerable and ask for help; it is OK to cry as much as you want
• Know and accept that it is going to be painful and scary
• Wake up everyday and  say “this to shall pass” or “I can do this”
• Do something new to help actively change your thoughts for a few moments
• Know that the happy memories will replace the sad ones some day
• Know that you will miss them
• Some days will just suck
• Regrets are common so don’t beat yourself up
• You will ALWAYS want more time no matter how much you think you have
• Ask those hardcore questions about their life and details
• Anniversaries and big moments in life will always be challenging
• You will be forever changed
• You may find new friends to help you though this because sometimes strangers are easier to talk to
• Time does not always heal but time changes the situation and you may eventually get used to it
• You will date again, love again, have another child, perhaps even find an elderly role model
• Read their eulogy if you feel you can, my Dad said it was one of the biggest gifts I ever gave him

Just between Us

There is no replacement for the loved ones gone and I accepted that quite quickly. What my Dad and I created was meant for the two of us and no one else. That is pretty incredible. What I built with him ought not to cross into the life that I may share with others in the future.

Today is the anniversary of my Dads death and I ask myself what have I learned? When my mom got sick one day and died 5 weeks later, guess what? I was a bit better at handling it and this I am grateful for. Time can heal and I am so much stronger than I initially thought. I read in my Dad’s eulogy about how he taught me how to love selflessly; he sacrificed everything for our little family.

This will live on through me.

His legacy will remain through my daily passions of work and play, and because of him I will know how to love my family selflessly, just the way he loved my mom and I. He was and always will be my motivation to fight through struggles, work hard, act without fear, smile through the pain, to dream bigger and make those dreams come true. He inspired me to find a cause, to find a “why” in my life and pounce forward.

I realized that my father will never truly be gone. He is still here with me in spirit. Most importantly, I still have his love that he gave me and I will have that forever.

To my Mom and Dad up in heaven: thank you for the fascinating lessons and the continuing hearts from heaven you bless me with.